I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
