Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize