she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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