i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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