No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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