She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
as a side note pls kill me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
