How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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