Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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