Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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