You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
