nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize