sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
