woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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