I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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