Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
