no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
