Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
