I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
