You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
