I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
