How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
