Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
