had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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