You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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