just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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