$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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