Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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