i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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