my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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