Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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