So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
