i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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