Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
