i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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