Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
