where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
