You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
