I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
