I wish my penis had an off switch
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
