a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Even my vagina gasped.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
