I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
