I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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