Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
