When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
