When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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