Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
