I love black thongs
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Still dying that you shit outside
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
