the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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