My sheets look like a crime scene.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
