paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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