he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize