I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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