I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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