It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
