The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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