good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
