I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
