____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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