yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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