They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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