There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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