Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
